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Awkward Adolescence Part I: The Loner, the Enigma

Posted by CW64 on November 4, 2009

My adolescent years were not the proverbial bed of roses, but, then again, whose adolescent years really are?

The truth was that I was an awkward loner with not very many friends, if any at all. This is not a sob story, only an explanation of how things were for me.  At the time, I guess I found it less than ideal, but looking back now, in reflection, I can honestly say that those years and how they developed made me who I am today.

Furthermore, such an awkwardness with all of its indicative idiosyncrasies made for very interesting experiences. Some might think that such experiences were odd, but to me they were normal. I said this in the previous post, too, so that would be one consistency in my life–odd experiences. That, I figure, would make me such a colorful writer.

My sister left when I was about eight and got married when I was nine (she was nineteen) and moved away. By this time, all of the hippies were gone and my life, though I thrived on their influences clambering about inside of me,  consisted of refocused attention on school.

Little good that did me–I fit in less there than I did with my sister and her friends when they had been around.

But that was a blessing in disguise!

As I’d find out when I grew older, being alone has its advantages, not the least of which was the fact that loners spend a lot of time developing a strong sense of self. Well, my poor social skills weighed down my self-confidence, and I had a difficult time shrugging them away. I was not into sports, I had poor hygiene ("pizza face" and "oil slick" were among a few of my less-than-flattering but oh-so distinctive nicknames), and I was physically nothing more than a stick-figure.

My confidence deficiency could be seen in the jittery nervousness I exhibited when approaching the girls, and tripping over my tongue in "tho-tha-the-tha-tho-the-tha-the" fashion left the impression that I must not have been some type of inarticulate mental patient, although little Betty, with the munchkin smile, seemed to understand and could even somehow decipher the babbling. When I did form actual words to the girls, however, their tone bore the striking resemblance to some sort of ghoul with a weird bedside manner. The girls would smile and walk off giggling in their little cliques, which, the way they constantly discussed everything from boys to school issues to sports in such committee form that  one could rightfully call their gatherings a collection of youthful consortia.

And, of course, I was never a part of any of them.

That changed on paper, however. Whenever I wrote my thoughts, everything came flowing out in strings of unique word combinations that created imagery and ideas that no one else had previously guessed possible with me. Unfortunately, none of the other kids ever read my writings, but my teachers observed very closely. Some even cocked their eyebrows.

The same went for art. I was born with a sketch pencil in my hand.

When I was about ten, something strange and mystifying happened to me that I will never forget. That was the first time that I realized that I was different and that some would come to call "gifted". I was sitting in my desk by the large picture windows, mesmerized by the endless sea of daydreams beyond, phasing out the rather boring fifth grade math class surging around me. At one point, I found myself pulling out a piece of paper and, applying lead to it, began to scrawl. I didn’t know what it was, but I felt inspired. I got lost in the waves of my imagination for what seemed an eternity. The image I had drawn was elaborate and finely detailed, and I gazed upon with wonder. That’s when I noticed something else that startled me to the point of causing me to flinch back in my seat: The entire class, including the teacher, stood in a tight mob around my desk, staring down at my drawing. Apparently, the math lesson wasn’t interesting enough. Believe me, I could relate. A few kids gawked.

"You drew that?" One girl asked. "That’s good!"

I’m not sure how I responded, as I was still a bit dazed at that point, but I’m sure I said something pleasing in return, because someone else asked where I learned to draw like that. Even the teacher acknowledged she was impressed.

The writing, later on, was no different. I gradually phased out the girls and lived within myself. This I don’t see as a negative thing, as it allowed me the opportunity to get in touch with myself, to find some understanding regarding who I was and how I clicked. I grew up awkward, but I did so with a strong sense of self.

A universe worth of stories abound from this time period, with which I cannot even begin to share because they have no beginning nor an end, but the anxiety I incurred due to constant social rejection both enlightened me and dishearteningly held me back. The much-welcomed resentment leaked into my writings as well, but I felt stifled in my studies because I had become so shut off. Counseling was sometimes helpful, more to the therapists than to me, as I became a puzzle for them to spend their time piecing together and out of which to make some sort of sense. Well, that kept them all busy, which was nice even for me, as it kept them out of my hair and, more importantly, out of my mind.

At the same time, I was always level-headed to the point where I knew right from wrong and constantly questioned that, as nothing, not even a sense of morality, could be that finitely definitive. I got tired of really easy and effortless ideas, even though I admired the level of simplicity. I analyzed everything, even to the point of creating headaches (in others as well as myself), and many insisted that I "over-thought things" or "took things too seriously". This drove people away, but I carried on, even perplexing myself, but in a way that made sense to me. I became a contradiction.

That’s all right. There’s nothing inherently problematic with a contradiction.  Contradictions exist, and so in their existence, they are never erroneous or unjustified. In short: I am, I make my own sense, and so I am not nor can be wrong, even when I don’t seem to be right.

Many people insist on living within the constricting walls of logic, thinking that to be "superior thinking". 

The problem with logic is that it is too restricting, to limited. Einstein agreed. The imagination, as thought-provoking and boundless as it is, is far more significant to human ingenuity and identity.

I grew up an enigma, but I know that is what I was destined to become. It is not important that others understand or not understand me; all that matters is that I continue to be who I am and create expressions of endless unsolvable puzzles that are me . . .

Next:  Awkward Adolescence Part II: The Growing Individualist . . . .

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41 Responses to “Awkward Adolescence Part I: The Loner, the Enigma”

  1. both drawing and writing are artistic forms, we just express our thoughts and feelings differently. I can’t draw worth anything and never have but those who can have the world at their feet.

    • CW64 said

      Well, writing and drawing are two different artistic mediums, and each has its own forms of expressions, but both are similar asthetically and in the means of conveying thoughts, ideas and feeling through metaphoric imagery. Both are perpetually tied together in this way.

      As one who writes and draws, I am familiar with the differences and similarities between the two, and I am intrigued by them for both reasons. I am easily inspired by the swirling of words and the flash of paint and lines (interestingly, the idea of ‘painting’ is and has been associated with writing as well, as in the phrase “paint a picture with words” to acknowledge and emphasize the artistic quality of writing and the fact that it is associated with studio art). At times, I am motivated by ideas, other times style features that I find are a challenge to open doors for my creative processes.

      This is why, quite often, stories are based on visuals depicted in paintings and drawings, and likewise that those visuals inspire stories to be written about them. In both dynamics, each medium compliments the other to create an artistic ‘whole’.

      In line with this, I aspire to write and equally desire to illustrate my stories, to express the language through which my characters thrive and interact, and to create visual depictions of those characters and the respective worlds in which they live. That allows me the freedom to expand on my creations and explore them in different ways, giving them a deeper sense of significance.

  2. Waow loved reading this blogpost. I submitted your rss to my blogreader.

    • CW64 said

      Thank you, Em, I appreciate the interest and the link. I hope you’ll hang around for more.

      CW64

    • CW64 said

      By the way, Em,

      I would submit your RSS to my blogreader, but I am not certain yet how to do it. I haven’t had the time to look into it. I am new at blogs. Please be patient. If anyone has any suggestions for me regarding this, please feel free to share. Thank you.

      CW64

  3. gryl34 said

    I got interested party – I’ll check back often, I wanted to say hello

  4. irrerakex said

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    • CW64 said

      Hello, Ir,

      Thanks for the words of encouragement, and I appreciate the promotion, although I can’t help but wonder what this post has to do with the link you provided, hmmm. Still, you left a great post, so the least I can do is allow the link in exchange, especially since you will be running mine.

      Take care

  5. I’m not sure why but this blog is loading incredibly slow for

    me. Is anyone else having this issue or is it a problem on my end? I’ll check back later and see if the problem still exists.

    • CW64 said

      Hi USA,

      Sorry about the loading issue. As far as I know, it isn’t WordPress. I have no problem loading, signing in or administrating the blog. I wish you good luck in rectifying the issue.

      Thank you for reading my blog. I hope you enjoy it and that it is useful to you in some way. That’s one of many reasons the blog is here.

      Take care

      CW64

  6. Naturally like your web-site but you need to check the spelling on quite a few of your posts. Several of them are rife with spelling problems . . . nevertheless I’ll certainly come back again.

    • CW64 said

      Hi Villajoyosa,

      Yes, I know. I needed to go back and do some clean up on the older posts, but I’ve been busy. I finally did it this morning, so the problem has been resolved. Most of the errors were due to typos and simple oversight. Thanks for pointing it out to me.

      CW64

  7. Fascinating blog! Is your theme custom made or did you download it from

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  8. Does your site have a contact page? I’m having trouble locating it but, I’d like to

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    • CW64 said

      You’re certainly welcome. I’m glad you found the blog pleasurable and insightful. That’s what this blog intends to do for whomever needs it.

      As for contacting you, I have a busy schedule, but I would be happy to respond as soon as I can. I’ve saved y your email for future reference. Thanks for the interest.

      CW64

  12. Hello there, I found your web site via Google while looking for
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    your web site came up, it looks great. I’ve bookmarked it in my google bookmarks.

    • CW64 said

      Thanks for the bookmark. What specifically were you seeking? Did you find it? If not, let me know and I will see what I can do.

      Thanks again for stopping by.

      CW64

  13. I cling on to listening to the news update

    lecture about getting free online grant applications so
    I have been looking around for

    the best site to get one. Could you advise me please, where could i find

    some?

    • CW64 said

      Hello there,

      I am not familiar with grant applications, if that is what you need, I am sorry I can’t help you. If you need help WRITING for clarity and professional presentation, THAT I can do. Please keep reading, and if you need anything specific, feel free to ask.

      CW64

  14. Keisha said

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    Cheers!

    • CW64 said

      Hi Keisha,

      Well, I am glad you found me, and that’s the most important thing. 😉

      Yes, I would like to become better know, but it’s more important to me to be useful to those who enjoy and can benefit from my content. To me, that spells success. 🙂

      Take care and keep reading.

      CW64

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    • CW64 said

      Thank you, Maddison. I am glad you enjoy my blog. I look forward to hearing from you again. Please keep reading, and let me know if you have any preferences regarding topic. I will be happy to accommodate if I can.

      Take care.

      CW64

  16. With havin so much written content do you ever run into any problems of plagorism

    or copyright violation? My site has a lot of completely unique
    content

    I’ve either created myself or outsourced but it appears a lot of it is popping it up

    all over the web without my authorization. Do you know any ways to help stop content from being ripped off? I’d really appreciate it.

    • CW64 said

      Hi!

      As far as I know, I never have had a problem with plagiarism or other copyright issues. I don’t mind if others post my work, ass long as they ask permission first and give me the credit. That’s all I ask.

      Sorry to hear about your issues. That’s detestable that others would take your work without your authorization. Stealing content online has become so easy, which is why it is common and prevalent. New measures are necessary to implement. In the meantime, we do what we can to protect our work.

      Some hosts offer software and other features that prevent copying of text and other content. There are even programs you can purchase online or offline that are designed to prevent such crimes.

      Good luck and please let me know what happens. Feel free to share information with me if you like. I would appreciate that as well.

      Take care.

      CW64

  17. Good blog! I truly love how it is easy on my
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    I am wondering how I could be notified whenever a new post
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    • CW64 said

      Hi!

      You can subscribe to the blog as well. That will ensure you receive new blogs entries in your inbox. The RSS feed certainly helps as well.

      As for the ease of reading, I try to present content in a straightforward, simple fashion without appearing pretentious or condescending. I am neither, but I do enjoy and appreciate writing and reading engaging posts, so I can relate with you.

      Take care.

      CW64

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  19. Hello, Neat post. There is a problem with your website in internet explorer, might
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    • CW64 said

      Sorry about the browser issue. That’s not on my end. Perhaps it could be3 the server as well. You can download Firefox. That browser works extremely well with both WP and Blogger, and it is free.

      Good luck.

      CW64

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    • CW64 said

      Hello Spain,

      What kind of presentation do you have? Perhaps I can help. I also know Spanish, so I can provide in two languages.

      CW64

  21. I haven’t checked in here for some time as I thought it was getting boring, but the last several posts are good quality so I guess I’ll add you back to my everyday bloglist. You deserve it my friend 🙂

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